I’ve been in such a morose state lately.  I haven’t been able to write, think or act.  I was in the middle of a seriously cheerful “I love Christmas” blog when the world came crashing down.

I’ve told you of our children.  They were 12-year-old friends when they introduced my husband and me to one another. They were both so bright and talented   – in such different ways. 

Our older son had the ability to make friends easily.  He easily attracted “odd” friends.  Not that they were odd – it is just that all of them were odd.  He had the softest heart and had compassion for everyone who needed it.  He could sing, play several instruments and write really good lyrics.  He was (like me), lazy about preparing food and would eat fast food or snacks even if there were leftovers (like me).  He loved to sleep late and stay up till all hours (like me).   He was a good worker, for a while, and made excellent grades, for a while.  He had numerous girlfriends, for a while, and moved on often.   He was generous to a fault and would give a needy person his last dollar, but was a good saver, too.  He had absolutely no mechanical skills and would hold a pair of pliers upright instead of around a nut.  He kept his room neat and tidy and would not go out of the house without washing his hair.  He loved dressing well and loved going to the prom.

About the latter part of his senior year, we noticed a change.  He was sometimes unkempt; he began to have even “odder” friends.  They were all welcome in our home, so we really got to see their personalities.  After graduation, he decided to “take the summer off.”  He didn’t work, go to college or participate with the family very much.  He even went off with one of his “odder” friends to a Rainbow Gathering in some forest in Florida.  He lugged his starched and ironed shirts in a Samsonite travel bag across Florida, ended up with a pair of broken glasses and was starving because the food was so bad.  He called me and asked for a bus ticket home.  Folks, I don’t believe that I have ever smelled a stinkier person at 3 AM in a Greyhound Bus Station.  I hope no one had to sit near him.   

Many more things happened to make us realize that he had a serious mental health problem.   Unfortunately, he was over 18 and we could not force him to get help, believe me, we tried!   After a serious 3-year period of homelessness and helplessness, he got a little better.   He was very smart, though still very sick, and graduated from a Junior College with honors.  He then went on to a four-year institution but deteriorated badly in the three years he was there.   His behavior had all the common traits, flat affect, pausing before responding and staring.  His symptoms of this terrible illness caused people to avoid him and he was very lonely.    About 7 quarter hours before he graduated with his BS degree, his symptoms overpowered him and he has now been on disability for several years with paranoid schizophrenia, OCD and depression. 

About 18 years ago, he moved to a state far away.  We didn’t know where he was for a while.   He lived there in a terrible place, with no friends and no support system.  After we found him, we visited as often as possible and tried to get him to move back home.  Earlier this year, circumstances conspired for him to move back home.  He now has a lovely apartment (decorated by Moi) and is happier than I have seen him in decades.  He is still “odd” and has difficulties interacting with strangers, but he is becoming much more vocal around the family.  I thought my world was darned near perfect.

              Our younger son was an artist – could draw anything!  He loved head banger music and wild modern drawings.  He was very mechanical (like his father) and computers held an intense fascination for him (like his father).  One of the first times I met him, he was taking apart his boom box.  I was mortified!  He thought that because his dad could do it, he could too!  And many times, he could!    He had very few friends and spent much time alone in his room.

 After school, he would drag out the fry-daddy and cook himself something for a snack if there were no leftovers.  Many times, the leftovers were for dinner the next day – oops, I guess we found something else.    Older son was a light eater (like his dad) and younger son had an appetite like a lumberjack (like his dad).  When we met, older son still ate off the child’s menu.  Younger son ate off the regular menu and added an appetizer or two!  The first time my future husband took us all out to dinner, he told the boys to order anything they wanted off the menu.  Older son looked at me with bewilderment.  He ordered from the full menu but took most of it home – for younger son to eat 😊.

On younger son’s first birthday with us, we planned a scavenger hunt.  The kids had fun and when he found the pot of gold, it was a guitar and amp.  He was in heaven! 

Younger son loved to get up early (like his dad) and always went to bed on time (like his dad).  After we all married each other, he began to enjoy having nice and stylish clothes.  (His Dad had bought his clothes at K-Mart until then.)    Every summer, each of the boys would get a separate Saturday and we would go to the big city mall and shop, have lunch and fun.  He loved to wear button up shirts with coordinating t-shirts and the sleeves of his shirts rolled up so that the t-shirt would show.  He looked so cute! 

When both boys reached 11^th grade and age 16, two things happened.  First, we bought them matching 1972 Super beetles.  Then we moved to a different town and they had to change schools.  That is really hard for someone at that age.  Entering a school with no social circle established is rough and challenging.

Let’s go back to the Super beetles.  The older son’s was pale yellow and the younger son’s was bright yellow.  Well, younger son didn’t like bright yellow, so he spray-painted it black!  It was a monstrosity!  But he loved that car.  He worked on it all the time and drove it sometimes when he wasn’t supposed to. One of those times, he had an accident and bent the driver’s side door in.  He and his dad unbolted that car from the floor pan and put a new floor pan in and replaced the door.  Of course, his dad knocked himself out with the large wrench he was using to remove the bolts.  Younger Son was standing in the driveway screaming, “Dad, Dad, are you ok?”, as he came around.

Both boys got part-time jobs when they got their cars.  They had to buy their own gas, of course it was $1 a gallon back then.  Younger son had difficulty keeping jobs.  He went from one fast food joint to another.  His first question when he went in the door was, “when do I get off?” The one really good job was at Quincey’s Steak House.  They have delicious rolls and sometimes he could bring extra bread dough home. 

Our younger son had difficulties with authority and decided that he would move to the state where his mom lived for his Senior year.  That was a disaster.  But he graduated and finally, after much adversity, managed to get a job with Pizza Hut.   He kept that job for several years, then one New Years Day, he left there and drove to his maternal Grandmother’s house in another state. 

He was able to get on with Pizza Hut there and restarted his interest in computers.  He began doing odd jobs for people on their computers.  He got married, had a son and managed to get a job as an IT guy with one of the small companies in town.  He had another son.  Tragically, his wife was killed in an automobile accident.  A few years later, he remarried. 

He began his dream of a college degree.  In the meantime, his employer got bought out several times and became a BIG company.  He became their IT Engineer while working on his diploma.  In November 2022, he proudly accomplished his dream of getting his Bachelor of Science degree, with honors, in Network Operations and Security.  We all celebrated his accomplishment in a big party in Orlando, FL – where the ceremony took place.  He was so happy.  His wife and much of the extended family were there.  His stepdaughter has a baby son and younger son thought the world of that grandbaby.   He loved being Pawpaw.   He also was excited that he and his wife went to Cape Kennedy and saw the launch of Artemis.  He said he hadn’t known it, but that was on his bucket list! 

He still harbored the love for working on cars.  He had the 1988 Cutlass of his grandmother’s that he was rebuilding with his son.  His carport looked like a graveyard for car parts.

I’m so proud and happy for his accomplishments and that he saw Artemis, because, December 15, 2022, our youngest son died.   We do not know what happened. His wife found him in his home office slumped over his computer still wearing the headphones he had used in a conference call to Mexico earlier that day. Due to the unexpected situation, an autopsy has been performed and the results will be available in 10-12 weeks.  He has suffered from Muscular Dystrophy all his life and the type he has is cardiovascular in nature.  All the uncles and male cousins on his mother’s side have died of strokes and heart attacks – attributed to this gene; although he has had a pacemaker for 25 years; and within the past few years has had the type with a defibrillator; we expected that to give him a longer life. 

The whole family is heartbroken.  His father is devastated.  I’m numb.